30 Days To A New Life- Day 10

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Have you ever felt like not meeting anyone’s expectations of what you should do or who you should be? Have you ever felt like not identifying with any role? Have you ever felt like not going in to work? Well, my first big test of life after the university came today: the first day that I just did not feel like writing, reading, meditating nor doing anything? Now to many, this might not seem like a big deal, but for me it is the greatest of all blasphemies. My resistance to not wanting to work today and the pain it caused me was like an apocalyptic battle between good and evil.

I had a few errands to run including going to the social security office to correct my date of birth and going to the dreaded Dental office for a filling. At the Social Security Office, I tried to read while I waited for 35 people in front of me to work through their issues with the non-Spanish speaking teller, the rude homeland security guard, and the loud speaker calling out inaudible sounds that were supposed to feebly direct the next in line. I could not focus on one word I was reading and so I gave up. After 30 minutes had passed, the monitor had registered a progress of one and my dental appointment was in one hour. Having the correct date of birth on my Social Security statement would have to wait. I felt I had wasted the morning and I was in a state of self-pity. The feeling was intensified the minute I walked into the dental office. Anxiety is my Pavlovian response of choice whenever I go to the dentist and I blame the German dentist from the Bronx.

When I was 10 years old, I collided with another boy while playing tag. Now the impact itself was not harmful but the direction it sent both of us created two pools of blood. We banged right into the school’s steel bar fence. He broke his nose and cried like a baby. I just cracked my four front teeth and initiated the inevitable long term relationship with the only dentist in the neighborhood that would take my dad’s insurance. This dentist was the female version of Lawrence Olivier ‘s character in the movie Marathon Man. She was a German dentist in her 70’s and had dental equipment that looked like it was from WWII- the big one. Instead of Olivier’s “Is it safe?” line, she would repeat over and over again with a thick German accent- “A little pressure.” I dreaded my visits with her but I had no choice. She had me right where she wanted me- strapped to a light blue leather chair with a seat belt! By the age of 15, the visits to Glicksman Dental ended but the conditioned response of anxiety and tension remains.

Instead of chalking up the day to social service blues and dental anxiety, I beat myself up for not writing, researching, or selling. I felt all day today like I was strapped to the same WWII dental chair. This time, the chair was the mental trapping of what people would think of me if they knew I did not have a productive day today? What if I never feel productive again? My imprisoned thoughts created tears of fear. I went home and decided to go for a run. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to try to shake off the state I was in. I didn’t know what I would say to my wife when she asked “How was your day?” While I ran listening to Ram Dass on my Ipod, I finally unbuckled my seat belt and released the guy who is not caught up in the drama of meeting other’s expectations. That is when it hit me; I am free. I don’t have to do anything to prove my worth. I can stay calm and centered when inner dramas stemming from 20 year old experiences try to create a bridge to my present reality.

So I had a breakthrough today. Not of the type that comes with a book deal or an opportunity to reach millions but a more important breakthrough, that left me with a feeling of being free of the inner trappings created by years of being on life’s stage. This revelation of freedom from identification with my roles, will do more to prepare me for my new career than any stories I might tell, meetings I might attend, or words I might write.

I could not wait to get on my computer and write about it.