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I am not feeling well. My mouth is still swollen and now my choices are drink my morning coffee which, mixed with the antibiotics makes me nauseas or do without coffee and suffer through a massive headache. Pain medication doesn’t seem to help. All I could do is ride this out- sit with what comes up and let it discharge. I can’t go negative. Not now. Not after all I’ve written about. I know there is light; I just can’t see it this moment.
Psalm 23 talks about having to “walk through a valley of the shadow of death.” Does there have to be one? Do we have to walk through a dark night of the soul to be released from our own prison? Why can’t we just bust the doors open and be free? I remember hearing about the intense struggles of a caterpillar in a cocoon to free itself. Every bit of effort was not only needed but required for the caterpillar to turn into a butterfly. If we tried to help it by slicing the cocoon open, the caterpillar wouldn’t survive much less undergo metamorphoses. So my intense struggles with memories of pain are needed for the Superman Effect to be born. I can’t ignore them and no one can take them away. I take comfort in the knowledge that I am no longer the 10 year old kid that did not have the tools or the capacity to deal with what comes up, and handle the memories that traumatized me as a child. My mother in law’s last question to me before she passed continues to ring in my head:
“Are you ready?”
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